Here I am, nearly two years after leaving Costa Rica, and I am contimplating returning. I have been offered a job as an Executive Director of an after school program for Nicaraguan immigrants. There's some great things about the position, there are some not so great things about the position.

Pros:

• Great resume experience for graduate business school
• An opportunity to improve my Spanish
• An opportunity to leave my comfort zone and do something scary
• An opportinity to learn to love being alone. Being able to see that as an exciting thing and not a scary/depressing thing is a shift I really want to make
• Great chance to build my skills in taking initiative and collaboration. There are many organizations that I could work with for this project. Peace Corps, Rotary Club, Ashoka, Rice Graduates in Costa Rica, Rice Volunteers (CIC), Amigos de las Americas
• Improve my ability to uproot myself and take chances.
• Have an adventure while I am young and not attached to anyone or anything.
• Living in Costa Rica. The place is tropical paradise and I would get to see Ana Ligia again, and Dougie maybe.

Cons:

• I would be leaving everything/everyone I love. However, that is really only my family because Tracy's in Atlanta, Tara's going to NY or Dallas, Reada's going to Peru and Sarah and Avanti, who knows. So maybe it's more like I'm leaving my comfort zone. I'm remembering the feeling I had when I walked out of my dorm room freshman year, looking behind and realizing that I was the last one to leave. Of course, at that time I still had three years ahead of me, but it felt very much like I was leaving. Graduation didn't hold the same effect, because Tracy was already gone and Alex was still going to be around, for a few months anyway. But Houston has really become my home though, and I love this city because I know this city.
• I would not be making and money, or paying off any debt. This is already hard to face because a year ago, I made a lot of money and paid off a lot of debt which was such a great feeling. This year I have been in limbo, not paying off so much but not incurring any more debt either, except the car that is. It is really hard to face drastic reduction in income though. But again, now is the time to have that adventure.
• I would be in a mostly friendless situation. For someone as relationship focused as myself, it would be hard to be in a new place without people to count on, and making new friends could be difficult. It could also be a great opportunity to learn to be alone. I mean, I live alone currently but I do so in a very comfortable situation
• I would be working in an unstructured situation. This is another challenge/growth opportunity. I like things highly structured, however it would be great to learn how to work in a situation like this, even if I choose not to make this my strongest area.

My steps now are to check and see if I can defer my student loans and then to book a ticket to C.R. to check it out.

Going out with a bang

So my final weekend in Costa Rica is over and I have to say, it's been one of the most memorable. I had some people invite me to the beach, but my favorite place in the whole country is at the Tobogan, so I opted to stay in San Jose and dance the night away with Dougie, Robert, Mandy, Alex, Jason and Jayme. I have to say, there's something about salsa dancing that's so much more rewarding than any other Friday night activity. I think it's the fact that you're connecting with your dance partner, you're accomplishing something together. You just get this high off physically exerting yourself, learning new moves, having that "perfect" dance with someone. Freesyle dancing is great too, but it doesn't take the effort, practice and dedication that salsa does. Maybe that's it, it's an effort to be good, so it means more.

Saturday morning was spent loafing around until four or so. I tried to bake brownies for the barbeque at Doug's but my oven here sucks so they didn't quite bake. Ok, so it was more like they were cooked around the edges but the center was liquid, but they were still good. Chocolate is chocolate. Doug, ever the chauffer, picked Rachel, Jason, Robert and I up and then we went to his house in the mountains. This man has the most amazing home I've ever been to. The view from his place is incredible and there are all these windows everywhere to take full advantage of it. You can see San Jose, all the way down to the ocean. This house just had the most peaceful vibe I've ever encountered, chimes tinkling and fairy lights everywhere. We caught a gorgeous sunset and just fooled around taking pictures, learning new dance moves, playing the guitar, singing and talking.

Later we built a huge hot air balloon out of tissue paper and let it fly off into the mountains. Well, it actually caught on fire and landed in a tree. Luckily no damage was done. JuanRo and Alex joined us in time for burgers but left pretty soon after. Game junkies that we all are, we played crazy Uno for like three hours. Let it be known that I kick ass at Uno :). We finally left at about 2AM. You'd think that 10 hours with each other would be enough, but oh no. We stopped at Denny's and didn't get home until 4:30 in the morning.

The best thing about this night was that it was the first time I've felt at home here. I mean, that is exactly my favorite kind of night, one where people just chill and enjoy themselves without having to impress each other or get crazy drunk or try to hook up with everything in sight. It was just people relating to each other.

Last week in Costa Rica

Well, I'd say my time here passed like a gimpy bird: it flew, but dragged at the same time.

All my slacking is catching up with me and I have to try to get some papers written using the ridiculous educational system in Costa Rica. The NATIONAL library does let you check out books, you have to read in their AC-less dungeon. Apparently the book theft here was sky high. Well, then you make copies right? Wrong. You copy things by hand. Tomorrow will be spent in the dungeon with note cards and a pen. Man, to have DSL again...sigh.

On the upside, the concert sleezy Ramiro sprung on us last night at 6PM was a success. I made some fliers and did some last minute promoting, and the whole thing went really well. This amazing steel pan player had a mini-concert in the middle of the school and he played souka, reggae, calypso and some hip hop. Outcast and Nellie sound better on the steelpan than on the radio!

I finally found a job I really want, problem is that I may be underqualified. But I've never let that stop me before, so perhaps, just perhaps I can finagle my way into the Mexican American Legal Defense and Education Fund. Doesn't that sound like the perfect organization? So, everyone wish me luck, and if you happen to know anyone at MALDEF, let me know!

It's been a while

I think my last post was something like a month ago, so I have a lot to catch up on. My favorite people on earth (minus the little Indian) came to Costa Rica to visit. Now, I know that I'm not exactly in Siberia and Costa Rica is an amazing place to visit but it meant a lot to me that my loved ones would come all the way down here to see me. That just goes to show what amazing people I have in my life.

All in all the vacation was great, everyone played nice, and aside from the 32 hours on the bus, I enjoyed every minute of it. We went to Manuel Antonio Beach where we rented a villa that we thought was really overpriced. That is, until we checked out the balcony where we could see all the stars in Costa Rica's sky. We lugged the mattress up there and spent the night outside and woke up to this breathtaking view of the ocean. The day was spent on the beach getting a little too much sun, then we headed to Monteverde to hike in the cloud forest and chill. We got really lucky and rented little cabin in the woods where we got to watch a fantastic sunset and play with a really friendly monkey. He peed on Tara's head though. Sorry, that still cracks me up.

Tara headed out at the same time that Tracy arrived, then Tara came back due to flight trouble. We rented another overpriced hotel, this time in San Jose. The redeeming factor was supposed to be that they had a jacuzzi. Well, they did have one, and it was cute, problem was it was FREEZING! We all stood outside in our swimsuits taking turns sticking our toes in and pronouncing, "it's definitely getting warmer." After half an hour of this we came to the conclusion that it was "solar-heated". I tried to get the concierge to get us into the Holiday Inn next door to use their heated hot tub but all my effort was for naught.

After Alex left Tracy and I went white water rafting on the Rio Pacuare, which has class 3 and 4 rapids. The excursion was really fun, but four hours in the rain and icy river gets to be a little much and we got a case of raft butt, which is just bruising and numbness but it's much more fun to say "raft butt". The Caribbean was next on our list but we got rained out and I got a rash from the banana plant so that leg of the trip wasn't the greatest. We did, however, spend lots of quality time talking and catching up and looking forward which was priceless.

Eventually my friends had to go home, and here I stay in San Jose. My money is running out, papers are coming due and I'm getting ready to head back to Houston. Only 9 days folks.

Everyday life in San Jose

I've been taking it pretty easy lately trying to spend as little money as possible since my friends are getting here in a few hours and we're gonna be vacationing for about 11 days. Yesterday I went to Cafe Expresivo with Stacy, and amazing 32 girl who's pretty chill for the most part. I love talking with older people because they have so much perspective, they've just done so much more than I have and have great stories to tell. We discussed a ton of stuff and I've been reflecting a lot on my attitude. Generally I'm a pretty uptight, bossy kind of person. In fact I've been told that I'm the bossiest person that certain people have ever met. Now, since I'm in such a tranquilo country I figured I could make use of the time to let the little things go and relax more. Generally there is no need to let so many things upset you, they just aren't worth it in the long run. That and I'm trying to change my attitude as far as hearing other people out. To all those people that I've had this issue with, I'm sorry and I'm trying, don't give up hope for me yet.

Anyhow, the Stracy and I hung out and talked for about 4 hours straight which was a nice change from the usual, come home, eat dinner, watch TV go to bed routine I've been in. The past couple of nights I haven't been sleeping well at all, I've been having stressful dreams and I'm just generally a little anxious. I know that things will resolve themselves once people get here. My new mantra in life is "Peace of heart and clarity of mind."

This past weekend I went to the Tobogan (as usual) on Friday. Saturday was spent chilling with my tica family and I took Pamela and Nicol rollerskating. Man, I've talked about this before with some people, but don't you wish you could re-create the fearlessness of childhood? I mean, I got into my skates and it took me an hour to get around the stupid rink once because I kept stopping for fear of falling on my ass. I mean here I am, a virtual giant compared to all these children whizzing by and I won't let go of the railing while 7 year old Nicol just skates off like nothing. Maybe it's because they are closer to the ground so they don't have as far to fall or something but little kids just throw fear to the wind and have fun. Lesson anyone?

Saturday night Cinea my tica aunt invited Ligia and I to a single/divoreced/widowed over thirty party. At first I was kinda skeptical but I didn't have any plans so I said why not. I have to give it to Latinos, they know how to party. It wasn't one of these drink till you are sloshed, hook up with some random person kinda party. People were friendly and open. They drank, but only a little and boy, people didn't stop dancing. Basically it was hours of people just enjoying themselves and talking, joking, and having a great time.

Sunday the four of us, plus Cinea and my abuela-tica went to the park for a picnic. Overall everyone just chilled and drank in the sun. All this time with the psuedo-familia really makes me miss my own though. However, my parents did call me to let me know that they were heading to the Spurs/Houston game that I bought them tickets to. Unfortunately for my father, the Spurs wiped the floor with the Rockets. It made me miss home less to just chill and watch the game on tv. Technically soccer is the national sport of Costa Rica but I only have enough room in my heart for one team.

And I thought they were gone for good

Oh no, they're back. That's right, the knots in my shoulder had gone fishin but now they've returned to set up shop. God, in spite of all my drama, I really didn't have much stress here but now I have a huge headache and I wish I had my loveseat, a bottle of wine, some chill music and some candles.

Ok, I do not have control of other people or they're actions. Or for that matter what kind of time they have when they come visit me in Costa Rica, what they're doing at home, what happens if I'm not there to help them in their flower shop over Valentine's Day, what's gonna happen to them if they get caught one more time by the cops, what kind of state their marriage is in, NADA. I only have to worry about my budget here in Costa Rica, not missing too many classes, and remembering to slather the sunscreen on. That is it. In the long run, everything is trivial and trivial things do not merit stress. Ok, feel better already.

Tico Culture

Ligia invited me to a little get together with some friends and I thought that quality time without any Americans would be great, and it was, sort of. First of all, ticos are really sweet, friendly people if you meet them in the right situations. For example, the kids I go to school with want nothing to do with us gringos. I finally asked some random guy in line next to me what the story was and he said that ticos thought that gringo students were stuck up and thought they were better than the costa ricans. Not true at all, but that's how the ticos see it. Tica girls HATE American girls, they're super rude to us. And customer service here is non-existant. Maybe it's that they're on their own time, maybe it's that they don't like Americans but do not expect courtesy from people around here who don't know you.

However, if you're lucky enough to meet some ticos through other ticos, they're super friendly. Back to the party, everyone was really friendly and very welcoming, which is very characteristic of Latinos. Unfortunately also very characteristic of Latinos is closemindedness. In the span of three hours I heard a woman tell a story of how she was outraged that her hospital let someone with AIDS work the ultrasound machine. Mind you this person had virtually no contact with the patient and definately wasn't working with blood, but she was still furious. Then I had people talk about how wasteful the United States were, how we threw away perfectly good things when there were people here who were so needy. Then I heard about how the people in the United States had no idea what hard work was, that's why they were all in therapy, when Latinos just knew how to cope with a tough life. Next in line was gay bashing, insulting immigrants to Costa Rica and finally ended with the men talking about how they all lied to their girlfriends and wives.

Damn. I had to try really hard to remember that I was in a very conservative country that didn't have as many civil rights movements as in the US, nor was it as aware about equality. Still, as many times as I've regretted being an American due to our foriegn policy, I was so excited that in a few weeks I get to go home to a country where I can be seen for a person, not a disease, my race, my gender, and where I can expect a lot of respect if I'm willing to earn it.

Poetry

Soy, tacitos amigos, el que sabe
que no hay otra venganza que el olvido
ni otro perdon.

I am, unspoken friends, the one that knows
that there is no other revenge than to forget,
nor any other forgiveness.

-Borges

El tiempo, como la vida, es laberinto
somos todo, y somos nada a la vez

Time, like life, is a labyrinth
we are everything, and nothing at once.

Just keep swimming

I constantly go from having moments of calm, to being really frustrated and upset. I am trying to hard to have faith that there is a plan for me and that where I am right now is part of that plan. It's tough though. I need words of wisdom and peace and I'm not getting that at all. It might sound kind of high school-y but I've always loved music because there's someone who's singing about what you're going through, no matter what that is. Right now I don't have music and I don't have books and I don't have friends and I'm just ugh.

Blogs are public so I try my best to be positive in them, and think about the good side of things, but sometimes it doesn't feel like there's a good side. You know what it feel like right now? It feels like I'm swimming this huge stretch of white sandy beach where the water is crystal clear and the day is beauiful. I know I should be enjoying it, but I also know that if I stop swimming (i.e. trying to keep a positive mentality) that I'm gonna drown. No problem you say, just keep swimming. Well, the effor of swimming that long is exhuasting sometimes and if you pause to catch your breathe, you start to sink.

No Day But Today

No time but right now. I've been doing a lot of contemplating lately. I had been tearing my hair out because it felt like everything at home was just crumbling in my absence. I don't have a job, or means to get one yet. I only get to talk to my friends in snatches, because they are all busy with their own lives. I know it's hard to communicate over IM and emails but it feels like I've lost touch with everyone. I've only heard two voices from home, my mom's and Alex's. I don't get to talk to my family but once a week and when I do talk to them, they're so afraid that if I'm not enjoying myself, I'm just going to fall into a depression. Even if things are tough for me at that moment, I just smile and say I'm having a great time because that's all they let me say. If I try to explain that I'm homesick, or that I'm having a problem, They just say, "No, don't worry about, have a good time, don't get yourself sick." It's frustrating.

My apartment isn't mine anymore, and though it feels like Houston is more my home than anywhere else in the world, what will it be without the people I love? It feels like everything that was important to me is being slowly dissolved until there's nothing left.

"I wish I could count to ten
Make everything be wonderful again."

I think that God talks to you in the only way he can, through other people. Everyone's been telling me how I need to enjoy my time here. I'd been ignoring it, thinking that people didn't understand what I was going through. Then it finally really hit me. I do not have the power to change what is going on at home. I am in a different country, and if I spend all my time agonizing about what's going on somewhere else and things I have no control over right now, I was going to miss out on my time here. I will never have this time to live over again, I have to try to get the most out of it. And so I'm trying to.

Last night I went to the Tobogan with a huge group of friends and danced and danced. At 1 AM we squeezed 8 people into a Corolla and went to Denny's. It cracked me up, because it felt like being like I was at home again, meaning I was happy. I was having one of the best nights since I've gotten here.

But today it's Valentine's Day. Now, as strong and independent as you are, it is still tough to be alone on Valentine's Day, without so much as friends to bake cupcakes with and eat frosting and bitch about how we're alone on Valentine's Day. I remember last year when I got the most special day of my life and it's hard not to be sad and a little lonely. But this is my reality and what can I do?

Ok. Etta James' "At Last" just came on the radio. That's just a little much. But rather than be bitter that I don't have what I had before, I can be grateful that I had it, and have faith that life has special days in store for me again. As far as my pessimistic last blog, trust and faith may be the hardest things to keep, but what is life without them? Not something I want to know.