No Day But Today

No time but right now. I've been doing a lot of contemplating lately. I had been tearing my hair out because it felt like everything at home was just crumbling in my absence. I don't have a job, or means to get one yet. I only get to talk to my friends in snatches, because they are all busy with their own lives. I know it's hard to communicate over IM and emails but it feels like I've lost touch with everyone. I've only heard two voices from home, my mom's and Alex's. I don't get to talk to my family but once a week and when I do talk to them, they're so afraid that if I'm not enjoying myself, I'm just going to fall into a depression. Even if things are tough for me at that moment, I just smile and say I'm having a great time because that's all they let me say. If I try to explain that I'm homesick, or that I'm having a problem, They just say, "No, don't worry about, have a good time, don't get yourself sick." It's frustrating.

My apartment isn't mine anymore, and though it feels like Houston is more my home than anywhere else in the world, what will it be without the people I love? It feels like everything that was important to me is being slowly dissolved until there's nothing left.

"I wish I could count to ten
Make everything be wonderful again."

I think that God talks to you in the only way he can, through other people. Everyone's been telling me how I need to enjoy my time here. I'd been ignoring it, thinking that people didn't understand what I was going through. Then it finally really hit me. I do not have the power to change what is going on at home. I am in a different country, and if I spend all my time agonizing about what's going on somewhere else and things I have no control over right now, I was going to miss out on my time here. I will never have this time to live over again, I have to try to get the most out of it. And so I'm trying to.

Last night I went to the Tobogan with a huge group of friends and danced and danced. At 1 AM we squeezed 8 people into a Corolla and went to Denny's. It cracked me up, because it felt like being like I was at home again, meaning I was happy. I was having one of the best nights since I've gotten here.

But today it's Valentine's Day. Now, as strong and independent as you are, it is still tough to be alone on Valentine's Day, without so much as friends to bake cupcakes with and eat frosting and bitch about how we're alone on Valentine's Day. I remember last year when I got the most special day of my life and it's hard not to be sad and a little lonely. But this is my reality and what can I do?

Ok. Etta James' "At Last" just came on the radio. That's just a little much. But rather than be bitter that I don't have what I had before, I can be grateful that I had it, and have faith that life has special days in store for me again. As far as my pessimistic last blog, trust and faith may be the hardest things to keep, but what is life without them? Not something I want to know.